Dear Johnny .

Dear Johnny,
This letter has been written to correct any misconceptions that the society has been feeding you about the kind of love you think I want.
Firstly and most importantly,we need to address this issue of misidentification.
I’m neither Caro ,Ada nor Mercy ,so, whether I carry a front or back , can twerk or pound yam, shouldn’t be a source of worry for you,farabale.

You see, these days, everyone has different ideas about love and what a woman who truly loves you want (which is ‘allegedly’ nothing).

She no wan Ferrari, she no wan designer..

If I hear say she no wan fire.

At the risk of sounding materialistic, my dear, don’t listen to them o.
I’ll gladly accept Ferrari(s) and designers,biko.
My love is not blind neither is it attracted to poverty.
Now,don’t get me wrong, getting me Ferraris and designers isn’t a criteria for loving you,but ,please, tell me why I will not want Ferrari, Haba!.

Secondly, is this ‘Caro’ business.
If you are going to be my ‘Johnny’,then, I’m supposed to be your Caro,shey?..but..

Caro do,she no dey tire..
Wetin Caro dey do wey no tire am? She be machine?
Honey, newsflash, your Caro aka me,isn’t a potential sex machine.
If I do and do and do,how I no go tire?..smh
But, Johnny, even though I might not be Caro or Ada, there are things I’ve been doing for your sake, that’d make Caro and Ada look like Ekaette.

Firstly,I have perfected the art of cooking indomie and spaghetti.
I can boil rice and fry plantain,and I even learned how to fry pancakes for you. Whenever you so desire a diet change, I can also boil crab..or water.
I have endured high school and college just so you can have an educated wife who will be capable of holding intelligent conversations with you whenever you need it..e g..during arguments and quarrels.
Johnny, because of you, I buy expensive body creams, body wash,body scrub,facial cleanser,bath gel..I use original Mary Kay products; Matte(original), foundation (original), powder(original) ,lipstick and buy human hair 22 inches..not because I have the money o,but because I see it as an investment.
An investment in you.
So, don’t be wondering or asking what I need so much money for when I start collecting my payment with interest.
It’s all the money I spent for you to locate me.

Dear Johnny, in order to have beautiful, healthy and intelligent children for you, I try to keep fit. I work out ‘occasionally’, I don’t eat excessively, I don’t do weed,Speed,basuco, ecstasy or even codeine.
No nose candy , no shisha, no nothing, not even cigarettes.
I avoid alcohol and drugs and even gave up chocolate,so I don’t die of heart attack before I meet you.
So, Johnny, if I pick up all these things after having your children, you should be very understanding..and supportive.

Johnny,since we have conclusively determined that I’m neither Caro nor Ada,as seen, by all the sacrifices I’ve been making for you, I’ve drawn up a list of things that would also be wise for you to follow.

Firstly,Johnny, I like abs,gbogbo six pacs,and biceps and triceps. Therefore, it would be nice if you’d hit the gym often.
You are allowed to keep a ‘fro but no body hairs!,Johnny,no beards, no chest hair,I don’t want..and don’t ask why.
Also,dear,no beer,biko..pot belly and snoring aren’t exactly my thing.

Secondly, learn how to play an instrument. The guitar or the sax would be nice. I think it’s also romantic,so you should gaan start learning .

Thirdly,Johnny, I don’t pound yam,so you might need to find new favourite foods.
I’m sure you noticed that pounded yam isn’t going to be on our menu.
Quick advice; Bread with tea, is your best bet.
You are also advised to buy washing machine,dishwasher,vacuum cleaner,rice boiler,deep fryer, pressure cooker, yam pounder..for your own good.
I’m an educated ,modern woman.:|

Johnny, I hope you like poetry, novels,classical music and can appreciate the arts.
If not, go and learn.
It’s sweet when a guy knows these things and who knows, It may come in handy whenever you need to get back into my good graces( which could most likely be often).

In addition, Johnny,whether or not, you think I’m funny(of which idc),you must laugh at all my jokes. It’s one of the few ways I can confirm you truly love me.
You must also tell me I’m beautiful,everyday.
Also, whenever I’m angry or frustrated,you must remember to buy me plenty food and chocolate, it’s how I burn out.

Most importantly,I don’t know whether or not you are still schooling ,Johnny,but remember,you must be successful at all costs ,in case I get tired of school and decide to drop out.
We must have each other’s back.

In conclusion,Johnny, I don’t care if you are dark or fair,tall or short,fine or just there ( just kidding, I actually care,please).
I just want you to know that, even though, I’m not Caro,Ekaette, Ada,Mercy and even though,I have no bloody idea who you are, or where you are, I love you to pieces.
I think about you and can’t help smiling just thinking about all the fun and happiness we are yet to share.
I pray for you every night, and cradle your head against my chest in my dreams .
Johnny, I’m saving all this love in my heart for you and not even the Carolinas,and Adanmas of this world stand a chance.
I can’t wait to meet you.

Your Caro.

This piece was inspired by temissan’s list. :p

Valerie